Papercut

Part 1:

This blog entry is a therapy entry... so just warning you...

Just got home from Greylands today.

Ah the joys of being an out patient. Art therapy was interesting today, I got bored and cynical. My painting of my "weekend" was a butterfly with a noose around its neck... turned out pretty good actually... brush strokes make it look more surreal. :)

My therapist is a German woman with a very shrill voice which booms across the studio, its quite frightening to sit close to her. The other people in my group are some what used to her... I dont think I will ever get used to her OOOooOOOOOO THATS PRETTY (referring to my corpse strawberry with a fascist uniform on) or ISNT THAT GORGEOUS!!! (my nun masturbating a cross) hmmmm.... I'm bringing my portfolio home in a couple of months for anybody thats interested and wants to have a perve. Also I'm selling some of my peices... but yea...

We had to choose a song that represents our mental illness today.

I chose Paper Cut- Linkin Park

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
{And watches everything}
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is here in me, right underneath my skin
It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I’ve got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You’ve got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia’s probably worse
I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can’t add up to what you can
But everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin
It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath the skin
It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
(the sun) It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
(I feel the light betray me) It’s like the face inside is right beneath the skin
(the sun)It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
(I feel the light betray me)It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
(the sun)It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin.

Okay for those of you that don't really know me... I think I have some explaining to do...

I have a mixture of very fun mental illnesses... I had a childhood version of skitzophrenia, which ceased around the age of 11... Then some events in my adolescent years triggered it all back. Which I don't discuss, because I am not ready to discuss them.

The doctors enjoy trying to diagnose me, they can't give me a direct diagnosis, as they have never seen a case like mine before.

So here is my "label":A stable Aggitated Depressive, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar, Paranoid Skitzophrenic....
There's one word to some it up: Olivia

The stable part means I can function properly whilst under the right medication: High Doseages of Lithium... Yes I am normal, I just see things alot more differently to you! And alot more senstive to things, but completely desensitised by others.

Which of course has it side effects... But oh well, you have to weigh out the pros and cons... I rather be chubby and "coping" then slim and "insane"....which is stupid anyway because I'm not "classified" as sane anyway. Damn medication making me not be able to lose weight *shakes fist*

This is what I go through, every day. I'm not complaining, and I wouldn't give it back if I could... I am happy I am this way, because if I wasn't .... I wouldnt be me.

Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning depressed. I mean really really depressed, not because your life is shit, you have no reason to be depressed but you just are because your brain functions that way. But then to be completely manic and excited 2 hours later... then back to so depressed you have to coax yourself into trying to be happy? THEN BACK TO FUCKING MANIC! To be soo depressed you just want to end it all... and so happy that you lose control of yourself. To never really know if your friends actually exsist... as you can not tell who is real around you, and who is only in your head? To have to show your mother a picture of everybody in your circle of friends just so she can confirm that she can see them too? To feel like you dont exist, and that your living in a shell... that isnt you. To feel like you are just killing time until the moment you die? To not be able to listen to music alot because that can set off voices in your head. To never have a quiet moment because there is always somebody either talking or all you can hear is static. To want to rip off your skin because it feels like worms are crawling under your skin all the time (alot of mental patients have sensitive nerves in their skin). To constantly feel as though you are being followed, to never trust those around you. To honestly not give a shit about anybody around you because, really, what is the point? To be afraid of the dark... to still have to sleep in your mother's bed at night so she can calm you down if you wake up from a night terror. NIGHT TERRORS: To being awake and at the same time being asleep,To have nightmares and your body reacting physically to your night mare... eg.. rape and torture. Dreaming almost every night of either being raped or abducted by aliens.. and so on and so fourth. To want to cut yourself up ... your thighs and armpits so you can see the blood TO JUST FEEL AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALIVE! to cry uncontrolably because something inside you is missing/broken/stolen... and not know why! To have panic attacks constantly during the day, feel the world caving in, feel your blood pressure go up, to feel yourself dying inside. To feel scared most of your life... and your only real escape is being around a select few that TRY to understand, that care, that love you to a certain extent... but at the same time not being able to return the feeling... coz you just cant, but you TRY and you TRY and it hurts you because when you hurt them you can see their pain. and you feel no empathy.

Then to be given a pill... that you must take every day so that you can fit into society... A pill that decreases all of this, a pill that is supposed to make you mentally feel better... but physically feel worse.

And to be expected to be able to cope with this, to act as though nothing is different. I've learnt this, as Ive had it my whole life, I know how to cope, how to keep stable, how to not give in to insanity. Even though it's very tempting.

And lastly the one that hurts me the most of all.. To hold your boyfriend, to cry together, to really love him, to love every part of him... and yet he doesn't understand, how ever much he tries. I love him, I really do... but I dont think he will ever truely feel loved by me.

The doctors say I am very unique because of my coping ability with the severity of my condition, so I can pass myself off as normal. It is rare for somebody my age to have the ability to cope with it all.

I cope through art... it is my release.

I know I sound so emo, but I had to get it out.... and its really hard to do it... so forgive me please for wasting your time with the morbid facts of life.

I want to also congratulate David for coping so well with his mental condition and juggling uni at the same time :) You are truely an inspiration.

Part 2:

I GOT A HOUSE! I GOT MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE!!! whoooo.. it's a small sort of town house kinda thing, but its mine ALL MINE!....well until Adrian moves over anyway :P So yes guys, expect a house warming party in the next month... I gotta settle in first.

Also... BloodRayne is shit... don't watch it. Christian and I made that mistake last night... the only good thing about it was the completely random sex scene thats in it for no apparent reason.
Next: BORDERS book shop in Perth is the sex... you must all go look there.

AND: I am probably applying for a dental nurse position in the next semester... with a forensic dentist... the pay is good :) and they are so desperate at the moment. My teacher thinks I'm suited for forensics :)

Thats it for now... im sure I have bored you all to death

Olivia xxx