The story of We

Papercut

2006-08-10T13:54:00.000+08:00

Part 1:

This blog entry is a therapy entry... so just warning you...

Just got home from Greylands today.

Ah the joys of being an out patient. Art therapy was interesting today, I got bored and cynical. My painting of my "weekend" was a butterfly with a noose around its neck... turned out pretty good actually... brush strokes make it look more surreal. :)

My therapist is a German woman with a very shrill voice which booms across the studio, its quite frightening to sit close to her. The other people in my group are some what used to her... I dont think I will ever get used to her OOOooOOOOOO THATS PRETTY (referring to my corpse strawberry with a fascist uniform on) or ISNT THAT GORGEOUS!!! (my nun masturbating a cross) hmmmm.... I'm bringing my portfolio home in a couple of months for anybody thats interested and wants to have a perve. Also I'm selling some of my peices... but yea...

We had to choose a song that represents our mental illness today.

I chose Paper Cut- Linkin Park

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
{And watches everything}
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is here in me, right underneath my skin
It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I’ve got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You’ve got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia’s probably worse
I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can’t add up to what you can
But everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin
It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath the skin
It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
(the sun) It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
(I feel the light betray me) It’s like the face inside is right beneath the skin
(the sun)It’s like I’m paranoid looking over my back
It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
(I feel the light betray me)It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
(the sun)It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin.

Okay for those of you that don't really know me... I think I have some explaining to do...

I have a mixture of very fun mental illnesses... I had a childhood version of skitzophrenia, which ceased around the age of 11... Then some events in my adolescent years triggered it all back. Which I don't discuss, because I am not ready to discuss them.

The doctors enjoy trying to diagnose me, they can't give me a direct diagnosis, as they have never seen a case like mine before.

So here is my "label":A stable Aggitated Depressive, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar, Paranoid Skitzophrenic....
There's one word to some it up: Olivia

The stable part means I can function properly whilst under the right medication: High Doseages of Lithium... Yes I am normal, I just see things alot more differently to you! And alot more senstive to things, but completely desensitised by others.

Which of course has it side effects... But oh well, you have to weigh out the pros and cons... I rather be chubby and "coping" then slim and "insane"....which is stupid anyway because I'm not "classified" as sane anyway. Damn medication making me not be able to lose weight *shakes fist*

This is what I go through, every day. I'm not complaining, and I wouldn't give it back if I could... I am happy I am this way, because if I wasn't .... I wouldnt be me.

Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning depressed. I mean really really depressed, not because your life is shit, you have no reason to be depressed but you just are because your brain functions that way. But then to be completely manic and excited 2 hours later... then back to so depressed you have to coax yourself into trying to be happy? THEN BACK TO FUCKING MANIC! To be soo depressed you just want to end it all... and so happy that you lose control of yourself. To never really know if your friends actually exsist... as you can not tell who is real around you, and who is only in your head? To have to show your mother a picture of everybody in your circle of friends just so she can confirm that she can see them too? To feel like you dont exist, and that your living in a shell... that isnt you. To feel like you are just killing time until the moment you die? To not be able to listen to music alot because that can set off voices in your head. To never have a quiet moment because there is always somebody either talking or all you can hear is static. To want to rip off your skin because it feels like worms are crawling under your skin all the time (alot of mental patients have sensitive nerves in their skin). To constantly feel as though you are being followed, to never trust those around you. To honestly not give a shit about anybody around you because, really, what is the point? To be afraid of the dark... to still have to sleep in your mother's bed at night so she can calm you down if you wake up from a night terror. NIGHT TERRORS: To being awake and at the same time being asleep,To have nightmares and your body reacting physically to your night mare... eg.. rape and torture. Dreaming almost every night of either being raped or abducted by aliens.. and so on and so fourth. To want to cut yourself up ... your thighs and armpits so you can see the blood TO JUST FEEL AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALIVE! to cry uncontrolably because something inside you is missing/broken/stolen... and not know why! To have panic attacks constantly during the day, feel the world caving in, feel your blood pressure go up, to feel yourself dying inside. To feel scared most of your life... and your only real escape is being around a select few that TRY to understand, that care, that love you to a certain extent... but at the same time not being able to return the feeling... coz you just cant, but you TRY and you TRY and it hurts you because when you hurt them you can see their pain. and you feel no empathy.

Then to be given a pill... that you must take every day so that you can fit into society... A pill that decreases all of this, a pill that is supposed to make you mentally feel better... but physically feel worse.

And to be expected to be able to cope with this, to act as though nothing is different. I've learnt this, as Ive had it my whole life, I know how to cope, how to keep stable, how to not give in to insanity. Even though it's very tempting.

And lastly the one that hurts me the most of all.. To hold your boyfriend, to cry together, to really love him, to love every part of him... and yet he doesn't understand, how ever much he tries. I love him, I really do... but I dont think he will ever truely feel loved by me.

The doctors say I am very unique because of my coping ability with the severity of my condition, so I can pass myself off as normal. It is rare for somebody my age to have the ability to cope with it all.

I cope through art... it is my release.

I know I sound so emo, but I had to get it out.... and its really hard to do it... so forgive me please for wasting your time with the morbid facts of life.

I want to also congratulate David for coping so well with his mental condition and juggling uni at the same time :) You are truely an inspiration.

Part 2:

I GOT A HOUSE! I GOT MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE!!! whoooo.. it's a small sort of town house kinda thing, but its mine ALL MINE!....well until Adrian moves over anyway :P So yes guys, expect a house warming party in the next month... I gotta settle in first.

Also... BloodRayne is shit... don't watch it. Christian and I made that mistake last night... the only good thing about it was the completely random sex scene thats in it for no apparent reason.
Next: BORDERS book shop in Perth is the sex... you must all go look there.

AND: I am probably applying for a dental nurse position in the next semester... with a forensic dentist... the pay is good :) and they are so desperate at the moment. My teacher thinks I'm suited for forensics :)

Thats it for now... im sure I have bored you all to death

Olivia xxx

Adventures of the Gothic Hippy

2006-08-08T19:04:00.000+08:00

WHooooo yeah... getting back into the swing of things!

Title: Okay.. well according to Christian I am a "gothic hippy" *Raises eyebrow*

Okay I'll start off with today....

Woke up at 6 30 to go to school. Had an anger fit at my mother for giving me such a rude awakening. Stupid bitch. Caught the bus to school at 8 with mother dearest as I do not know which stop to get off at. Half way through the bus ride she needs to go to the toilet THERE AND THEN... so we get off at the next stop so she can spring a leak. So i had to wait at the bus stop for 20 minutes till the next bus came.... : grrrr.... got to school late!!

Lots of human bio to staudy at home... Boooo! heres me thinking it would be an easy course...
they had me fooled :

Matt sits in his chair... in his underwear... playing my games... faking stories to tell... sell your soul... reach your goal... go on myyyspace (8)

ANYWAY....

Talked to Adrian last night :)
He fell asleep on the phone :
But he said cute things while he was asleep :D
maybe he's just too shy to say it to me so he has to pretend he's asleeep :S

Went shopping with mum today... I must be the only female that gets bored clothes shopping

List of what I Bought:

One pair of Navy blue pants
One pair of 3/4 length navy blue pants
Navy blue socks
Black shoes
A white bra
A navy blue cardigan
A black velvet and cotton skirt
and lastly a black and grey top

the last of the two of course werent for school

Went to ELisabeths bookshop and bought Interview with the Vampire... Kohdi lost my last copy *shakes fist* god damn unreliable males! Saw other Anne Rice books that I must also buy... and when I say must... I REALLY MEAN IT!!! hehehe

It has now come to my attention that Matt (random internet guy) wants to bone me... tsk tsk tsk.... he's in denial...

Also I have come to the conclusion that Adamo's penis has teeth... but thats an entirely different story altogether...

anyway... im getting bored of this so im gonna go

Cheerio :)

UPDATE!

2006-08-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

Okay okay, I realise I havent posted in what... a month and a bit... sorry about that.

So I suppose I should update you all on whats been happening with me?

Adrian came and went... very sad and emotional times :(
Rema broke off our friendship... making me choose between her and Adrian
I caught up with Luke for lunch
Started seeing Christian about once a week
Became close friends with Adamo
Helen and Adamo started courting
Helen decides to be annoying and not give a direct answer... GAH!
I meet Gwyn on myspace
We meet in person, she turns out to be a wikid chick...
P.S I think she's hot
Introduced Gwyn and David
Photo shoot with Christian, Mykie and Gwyn
ummm.......
Oh! Mike came back from Bahrain yay!
Back at art 3 days a week
Dental school started... boooo!
Went to support Kirstin at her criminal trial... she got off not guilty YAY!
Went to a gathering the other night... met stacey... DnM with Frode
Yay, made friends with two Norwegian guys!
Belly dancing concert... was goooood :)
And... STILL waiting on whether or not I get the hippy commune house :(

I've now decided that my life started as of September 19, 2005... there is nothing before it... Things too painful for me to acknowledge, and the only way for me to get on with my life is to forget about them. /emo

Currently I am listening to Muse... and being grumpy about having to go to school tomorrow :( This week is packed with some uneventful days... consisting of Art and School and Vollunteer work.. blah... Maybe the weekend will prove otherwise *punches christian unil he comes up with something to do*... I know you like that bitch :D)

Hmmmm maybe I can convince mike to take me for a drive so i can take pretty photos :)...ahhh now thats a thought!

Anyway, that proved pointless.... HAPPY BERTO?

Take care

Liv xxx

Fun with an old how to manual....

2006-06-09T13:17:00.000+08:00

Sam's House of Doooooom

2006-06-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

Hey! well today was a busy day...

Woke up at 9... woke up mike and then Sam...
Punched Sam till he'd drive me to the train station...(took him 20 minutes... he must really like my loving touch)
...Got lost on the way....
Arrived at my psych appointment 15 minutes late (whoops)
Op Shopping with mum... I got a hell snazzy leather jacket there for 5 bucks (more on the later)
Got mistaken for a prostitute by a Mexican sailor (its all that damn jacket's fault!!!)
Saw the Da Vinci Code with Adamo and Christian
And now Im about to pick up Rema from the air port

I also had a pretty full on weekend with the guys :) was nice to get out of the house... and into Sam's!! his house of DOOOOOM...

I was planning on making this a hell long blog... but then I got distracted and went to the movies... so here's my piss weak one...

*shakes fist at Christian*

Damn you and you wanting to be social with me!!

Quotes of this weekend:

Liv your nipples are in the way (adamo mixing up hands and nipples some how... hmmm)
I better sit on the wood- Liv hmmm I think you already are- Cpt (talking about the chair... much to the confusion of others in the room)
It's only this big- Adamo making tiny penis gestures with his hands... although he claims he wasnt talking about his penis....

4 Days till Adrian gets to Perth :) really cant wait...

Well anyway my lovelies... heres my disappointing update

June

2006-06-04T21:11:00.000+08:00

Hey,

Well this month has started off with a bang already... this is what is happening:

Adrian's Birthday on the 5th
A day out of the group on the 5th
Rema arrives on the 6th
Psych appointment on the 6th
Mum's presentation on the 6th
Ceri's Birthday on the 7th
Baby sitting Elijah on the 8th-9th
Adrian Arrives on the 10th
Helen's Birthday on the 10th
Catch up Sex:D on the 11th
Getting my tattoo on the 12th
Adrian's "Perth Birthday" on the 13th
The Zoo with Mike n Adrian
Photos with Adamo and Co.
Another art exhibition I am featuring in
Haffla night at Shiek to Shiek... hmmm lets see if I can get friends to come this time :P
Shopping with Davie and Adrian
Adrian goes back on the 28th

And that's it so far... damn I bet I am going to be booked out this month blah lol. It'll be good to see grumpy bum again. At least he's not grumpy when he's in Perth.... thank god. Otherwise I'll have to whip him back into shape.

This week was fun, art and more art... then thursday came along and I had a nice day out with Adamo Mike and Christian... and mmm that ice cream was sooooo good :) also Christian looks good in multiple piggy tails lol. Then Friday night a bunch of friends stayed the night, that was also good, although Sam was the only one that actually got any sleep... and he makes these uber cute breathing noises in his sleep :) Today was bad... i had to wake up at 5am and help out with a garage sale... we sold barely anything... bah

anyway thats it for now... byes

New Beginnings

2006-06-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

Hello *waves*

Welcome to my journal:P Because I'm boring I'm just going to copy out the information about myself from myspace into here hehe...

Well this is me:

I live in Fremantle, Western Australia. For the mean time still living with my parents in an alternative community. My favourite colour is purple. I love dancing in the rain. And I have a fetish for red roses, biting and blood.

I'm ambitious, stubborn, brutal, sarcastic, shady, cunning, dark, vicious, blunt and most girls avoid me like the plague. Not that I'm complaining. Life is not a popularity contest. I'm a bit of a loner type but do enjoy the company of a few close friends. I have a twisted sense of humour and do enjoy laughing. I dislike stereotyping, but I do it anyway... and anybody that says they don't are lying to themselves. I'm addicted to reading, films and listening to music. Appearances are not important to me.

I think Jeffree Star is hot. Madonna is God, Gwen Stefani is merely a concubine. Trent Reznor = SEX. I love gay boys... they make me happy. I'm not goth, but you'll judge me as one anyway. I can't wait to be a mum. My best friend is moving to Brisbane... she smells. I'm a camera whore. I like bubble tea. I love racist jokes, there's always some truth behind them. I wish Germany won WW2. More boys should wear eyeliner. I am very open about my bodily functions.

I don't believe in censorship. I wouldn't say I'm bi, I'd say I'm open minded. The criminally insane interest me. I do art classes at a mental institution ever second day. I enjoy the company of the mentally disturbed. I have barely any memory of 2004. I am facinated by sex, not the act it self but everything to do with it. I think Jesus was hot. I offend easily, and I don't really care too much about your feelings unless we're close. I like finding out the small things about peoples lives, its always interesting. My mum and I are close... She's cool. She works with pedophiles.

I'm very picky in whom I like. The majority of people bore me very easily, males and females. Make me laugh. Make me think. Teach me something new. I like alternative people or anybody that is an individual. Staying within the norm because its safe is bullshit. If you have tacky makeup, dress like a tart and are all over one of my friends, I will dislike you instantly... Please women... have some morals. I really like socially retarded people, I find them to be interesting. Don't take it for granted that I'll be nice to you. Don't add me to your myspace if you are not going to talk to me. Don't add me because you think I'll have sex with you. I love my boyfriend very much.. and I won't leave him for you. He owns my soul.

And now just for the sake of it I'm going to list all the things I dislike:
Relgion
Religious Fanatics
Atheists obsessed with proving the lack of existance of "god"
Fwd Emails
Custom emoticons on MSN (with a passion)
R, no, h8, gr8, sik, gewd, and other butchering of the english language
Free to air television
Australian Immigrants who refuse to conform to Australia's customs
VegetariansActivists (my mother is one....sigh)
Sunny Days (head ache just waiting to happen)
Ignorant/arrogant people
People hating something without really knowing why they hate it
Homophobics
Whiney Teenagers Clones
Preachers of any kind

I'm actually really friendly, and will give you a cuddle if you want one. I will listen to your problems, and try to help you through them as much as I can. I will do alot for my friends, they are my family. You've just got to get to know me first. If you can get past all of the above... I'm sure we can be friends LOL.
Hahaha okay just ignore the bits that were about myspace, and that is basicly me :)

And that's all for now...